I have arrived at last to the end of this, my life. My choice...self-termination. I hardly feel responsible for
or entitled to these last words. Like, theoretically, I do not have a say. Nothing matters.
And, why write anything? For you? For me? Why, it signifies nothing, at last, because I can?
I have discovered that many people strongly oppose suicide. I do not understand that.
It is too subjective, too personal, for anyone else to judge. You might experience moments, even days of
depression & despair but have you experienced it chronically like a disease that overcomes your
being? Despair disarms you. Without Hope, there is no fight for survival.
When we are young, we wish to obtain or maintain certain qualities as we grow old. I had always hoped that age would not make me bitter, as I had seen in others.
But, how do you prevent it? An individual needs the care of others in order to offset the damage from the constant
onslaught of humanity. Not just injury to oneself but from the hatred by which humanity destroys itself.
The perpetual war, the indifference to the suffering of innocents, the complacent acceptance of unjust governments...
I could try to say that what others think of me does not or should not matter but that is not true.
I have suffered judgement. I have always wanted to see myself in the eyes of others...wanted you to admire me.
I know many of my shortcomings & my strengths. But sometimes, what I acknowledge as a strength, others see as
an annoying flaw. Like, being opinionated. I need to draw upon my intellect & courage to express myself.
It is that important to me. Yet, you do not want it, though I continue to give it, at the risk of your animosity.
I have always felt unreasonably too emotional & burdened with a sense of wrongness. The brutish inculcation
of religious & biblical hypocrisy in my childhood began to break my too-fragile being & destroy my self esteem.
Addiction took what was wrong & made it worse. It overwhelms me; owns me. Its enslavement is unbearable.
I have always felt 'unpopular' & that has saddened & disturbed me. There have been times when I enjoyed the
friendships of the right amount of the right people. Friendship meant everything to me.
Now, I have few friends. I resent the betrayal of old friends who no longer bother with me. It hurts tremendously.
For some, love might be 'unconditional' but not in my life.
I am full of mistakes. I am interesting & loyal but filled with contradictions, bossy yet insecure, shy but overly garrulous,
warm yet distant. I am too honest. I am like a wound that repulses you yet draws you. A loser with wonderful talent.
If I believed that things would get better I would continue the struggle but I cannot perceive this. It is ugly & unfair.
Many of you have been kind & good to me. This final action may not be the way to express it but you have my gratitude.
Your kindness cannot repair me...too badly broken, weak & afraid of a future that is more & more pain, relapse, loss,
anxiety, desperation...
Ironically, this is for once an action of amour propre. It is not bad or wrong. The breath of all my years is more ephemeral & of no more consequence than the fluttering of the mayfly's wing in a sandstorm. It is weird. Finally I do not feel the insidious self-loathing I have battled for more than 50 years. I acknowledge the beauty in me & I can no longer suffer.
We endure so much. Though it may seem I have all I need & more to continue with a fine life, I am too damaged, frail & afraid.
Furthermore, the world around me is so finally broken. Instead of encouraging the people who could fix it leave to do so,
humanity blindly & ignorantly continues to invest in these ugly, hopeless, damaged & damaging structures,
like privatization, to guide & support our society. To billion dollar corporations, all foremost seeking profit, we give our children, our well-being & the responsibility in turn to care about & for ourselves & our Earth...as if they can & will
transcend the glaring conflict of interest. Capital interests do not coincide or concur with humanitarian interests.
Believing that they do renders us dangerously vulnerable. At the point they conflict & diverge, capital trumps, humanity loses. People should invest in a government that invests only in people & our Earth. We are dead wrong to confuse corporations with people.
Mother, this is what you have prayed to your Lord for. You must accept that this is how your God answered your prayers.
It is his will.
Angry boy in a rage
Broken man in a cage
Little mind spin around
Little mind settle down
Grab a limb, you can not swim
All the colors are there
With the crooked part in your hair
Day or night it does not matter
Light or dark the timeless chatter
Poke your skin, the end begins.
or entitled to these last words. Like, theoretically, I do not have a say. Nothing matters.
And, why write anything? For you? For me? Why, it signifies nothing, at last, because I can?
I have discovered that many people strongly oppose suicide. I do not understand that.
It is too subjective, too personal, for anyone else to judge. You might experience moments, even days of
depression & despair but have you experienced it chronically like a disease that overcomes your
being? Despair disarms you. Without Hope, there is no fight for survival.
When we are young, we wish to obtain or maintain certain qualities as we grow old. I had always hoped that age would not make me bitter, as I had seen in others.
But, how do you prevent it? An individual needs the care of others in order to offset the damage from the constant
onslaught of humanity. Not just injury to oneself but from the hatred by which humanity destroys itself.
The perpetual war, the indifference to the suffering of innocents, the complacent acceptance of unjust governments...
I could try to say that what others think of me does not or should not matter but that is not true.
I have suffered judgement. I have always wanted to see myself in the eyes of others...wanted you to admire me.
I know many of my shortcomings & my strengths. But sometimes, what I acknowledge as a strength, others see as
an annoying flaw. Like, being opinionated. I need to draw upon my intellect & courage to express myself.
It is that important to me. Yet, you do not want it, though I continue to give it, at the risk of your animosity.
I have always felt unreasonably too emotional & burdened with a sense of wrongness. The brutish inculcation
of religious & biblical hypocrisy in my childhood began to break my too-fragile being & destroy my self esteem.
Addiction took what was wrong & made it worse. It overwhelms me; owns me. Its enslavement is unbearable.
I have always felt 'unpopular' & that has saddened & disturbed me. There have been times when I enjoyed the
friendships of the right amount of the right people. Friendship meant everything to me.
Now, I have few friends. I resent the betrayal of old friends who no longer bother with me. It hurts tremendously.
For some, love might be 'unconditional' but not in my life.
I am full of mistakes. I am interesting & loyal but filled with contradictions, bossy yet insecure, shy but overly garrulous,
warm yet distant. I am too honest. I am like a wound that repulses you yet draws you. A loser with wonderful talent.
If I believed that things would get better I would continue the struggle but I cannot perceive this. It is ugly & unfair.
Many of you have been kind & good to me. This final action may not be the way to express it but you have my gratitude.
Your kindness cannot repair me...too badly broken, weak & afraid of a future that is more & more pain, relapse, loss,
anxiety, desperation...
Ironically, this is for once an action of amour propre. It is not bad or wrong. The breath of all my years is more ephemeral & of no more consequence than the fluttering of the mayfly's wing in a sandstorm. It is weird. Finally I do not feel the insidious self-loathing I have battled for more than 50 years. I acknowledge the beauty in me & I can no longer suffer.
We endure so much. Though it may seem I have all I need & more to continue with a fine life, I am too damaged, frail & afraid.
Furthermore, the world around me is so finally broken. Instead of encouraging the people who could fix it leave to do so,
humanity blindly & ignorantly continues to invest in these ugly, hopeless, damaged & damaging structures,
like privatization, to guide & support our society. To billion dollar corporations, all foremost seeking profit, we give our children, our well-being & the responsibility in turn to care about & for ourselves & our Earth...as if they can & will
transcend the glaring conflict of interest. Capital interests do not coincide or concur with humanitarian interests.
Believing that they do renders us dangerously vulnerable. At the point they conflict & diverge, capital trumps, humanity loses. People should invest in a government that invests only in people & our Earth. We are dead wrong to confuse corporations with people.
Mother, this is what you have prayed to your Lord for. You must accept that this is how your God answered your prayers.
It is his will.
Angry boy in a rage
Broken man in a cage
Little mind spin around
Little mind settle down
Grab a limb, you can not swim
All the colors are there
With the crooked part in your hair
Day or night it does not matter
Light or dark the timeless chatter
Poke your skin, the end begins.
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